20 Oct New grandmas need to take a breath
by Rhonda Massad
The first thing to remember when you become a grandparent for the first time is that everything will be fine. The balance will come. Life does return to normal. A new normal, but normal.
When my daughter first told us she was pregnant, I was excited and joyful for a new family member to be coming on board the already blended rowdy family that I loved so much. I always dreamed of a big family and my wishes had come true years ago when I married a man with two children and we had three of our own. My parents are very active in our lives closing the circle nicely. A little one was on the way to join the team was just so perfect.
The mistake, or maybe not so much a mistake as much as instinct, was that I felt in charge of the situation. The last time there was a baby on the scene about 16 years ago when my son was born and the job was mine. My instincts were awakened to that familiar feeling of managing the situation as mom’s often do when change happens in a family. My 24-year-old daughter was anxious, especially towards the end of her pregnancy, so that fed my instinct to take control. She needed me and wanted my help so it made sense.
My daughter, Alex, asked me to be in the delivery room with her. I was honoured. It meant so much that my daughter, who I felt very close to, chose to have me in one of two prime spots during this monumental event. My son in law held the other spot of course. I felt responsible for making sure the experience was positive. Responsible for the new addition as well as teach Alex the ropes. But I was also anxious and scared. Not certain I would remember how to care for a new born child. Either way, I could not let her know I was anxious. She needed me to be the all knowing. There was no room for me to have the shakes.
The delivery was thankfully smooth and uneventful. A healthy boy was delivered with a waiting room full of family. As a group, we could not be more blessed with the arrival of Mason.
I, however, could not find my place in this new equation right away. Here was my daughter who only recently moved out, having a baby. Wasn’t she my baby? Wasn’t I the one in charge of everyone? Wasn’t I the one who knew how to mother?
She needed me to take the lead role but only for a short while which gave her the security she needed to get a proper start at parenting. How to give a bath to such a tiny thing, how to swaddle, how to burp are all things a grandmother must teach to the new mom. Not soon after our new bundle was born she needed me to hand over the steering wheel which was counter-intuitive for me. But I also needed to hand them over. I was exhausted!! Finding that moment to let go was challenging but necessary for all of us. It is how her life remains hers while mine remains mine.
There was a sense of guilt with letting go. A sense of relinquishing my motherly duties if you will. But the thing a new grandparent needs to remember is that this new life is not our responsibility entirely. It belongs to someone else while we take a mentor style position. A very much needed role but not the lead this time.
The lessons came fast and furious as things do when a baby hits the scene. The wisdom of our creators became very obvious to me. The grandparents role is to teach. My own fears of not remembering what to do were assuaged instantly when I held my grandson for the first time. I knew what to do even though it had been years since I myself had held a child. The idea is for grandparents to share their wisdom in such a way that the new generation can incorporate it into their world. To find that balance where we keep up with the lives we have created and adding the new gift of grandparenting to that life.
Victoria Taliano
Posted at 22:48h, 20 JuneBeautifully written Rhonda. Congratulations for Mason.
I also recently became a grandmother to a beautiful boy named Mateo. It’s wonderful to see my son with his son. The beauty of life.
I used to babysit you when you were just 3 years old and now you are a Grandma…this is amazing to me.
All the best to you and all your family, to the great grandparents as well.
rmassad
Posted at 17:01h, 22 JuneCongrats on Mateo. It is such a beautiful gift and such a blessing. Thank you for reading!
Natalka Lee
Posted at 13:51h, 21 JuneAs a first time grandmother myself, I can totally relate to this! We have the privilege of being the support system to our daughters. What a wonderful gift to be given, a grandchild. Mine is 6 months old, we see him every day because we also want to close the circle of family to be able to be a part of the love, to be able to encourage our children to be the best parents they can be and to be available to make that happen. Thanks Rhonda for this beautiful article. Enjoy your grandchild, and the new relationship you have with your daughter! I am loving my new position as “Nana”.
rmassad
Posted at 17:00h, 22 JuneThank you for reading, it means the world to me. I am “gram” as we have a great-grandma as well!! Grandchildren are such a blessing.